I’ve learned a few things lately. I never leave the apartment for several reasons; combat PTSD, social anxiety, dysphoria, no friends, no money, etc. This is really bad for me. It leaves me alone with my thoughts.
Most nights, I try to meditate, but my sessions have become very difficult. I can’t clear my head so easily. After fifteen minutes of trying, I get fed up and have a few shots of whiskey. I sort through my thoughts fully aware, and then I can usually finish my meditation.
Two nights ago, I came to the realization that my life is full of patterns. Everything since my divorce has been part of a time loop. It cleared my head immediately.
1. The first stage of this pattern is denial. I start making myself better. I exercise. I eat better. I act like everything is okay. It gets her attention.
2. The next step is preservation. I keep up my self-improvement. Everything is better with her, and I keep maintaining progress between us.
3. The third step is disaster. One of us screws everything up. I relapse into depression and anxiety, revealing anger as my coping strategy. She self-medicates due to depression or identity crisis. We drift.
4. The fourth step is distance. We stay away from each other instead of help each other. This makes our issues worse when we force each other to deal with them alone. She finds solace in anyone who will listen, as long as it isn’t me. I increase my therapy sessions.
5. The fifth and final step is discovery. We find out more about ourselves, and each other. It brings us closer together. Sometimes, we feel like we did when we were dating. It redefines our idea of love.
It’s at that point where I start back over at step one. This time, things have changed. We’re currently at step four, but I haven’t stopped the self-improvement. This time, I don’t have to act like things are okay, because everything actually is okay. Without her, this is okay.
Another thing I’ve learned is nothing will ever make me stop loving her. She’s the mother of my kids. I think once we finally hit stage five, we’ll finally discover where we truly belong in each other’s lives, and it won’t be as a couple this time.
For once, everything is actually okay.