I Guess They Always Come Back

I’ve never read about anyone getting rid of their demons from PTSD, depression, or addiction. There’s always a constant reminder. There are so many shadows in our mind giving them places to hide.

You know, they say, “the brightest light casts the darkest shadows.” No matter what I do to make my life better, it just makes the demons better at hiding. I lashed out today because the futility of my recovery became apparent.

My world is a disaster. All I want is normal, but I’m not normal, so why should I have anything close to that? I can love more than most men, but I’m unlovable, so why do I think I deserve it?

I’m never going to get better. I’ve changed my thinking so many times in therapy, I don’t even know what thoughts truly belong to me anymore. The pieces of me were so fragile, as I started gathering them up again, they crumbled into smaller pieces.

Am I a family man with southern values? Am I an Airman that had to be a soldier during OIF’s most turbulent time? Am I just a veteran with a broken mind? Maybe I’m still just a Texas kid who never considered joining. I don’t know anymore. I can’t handle it anymore.

Chris Cornell was one of my idols as a teenager. When I heard he died last night, I was devastated. I couldn’t meditate or do my workout this morning because I was numb.

When I heard it was ruled a suicide, it made me realize there was nothing I could do to save myself. He had a loving wife who helped him through his dark times. He had three loving children. He had their support, and the support of millions of lifelong fans.

Still, his past came back full force, and he succumbed.

I have family that I never see. I have three small children that mean the world to me. I have an ex that used to be there for me, but hates me thoroughly. Right now, the only thing keeping me going are the memories of her support and the love for my kids.

I hope it’s enough. It’s not like I’d be missed as much as Chris Cornell.

3 thoughts on “I Guess They Always Come Back”

  1. Consider this: You have this dynamic brain…this intelligence that surpasses many. What IF it’s YOUR brain that possesses the KEY to overcome and conquer PTSD, and help others do the same??

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    1. When I see those I idolized succumb to this, it’s hard to imagine I could do any better. Robin Williams’s death hit me very hard, as well.

      Looking at Robin Williams and Chris Cornell, and seeing their immense support from their friends and family, I feel I have no chance against it.

      After reading your comment, I’m starting to believe that no level of support will help. It’s all up to me. Thanks.

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      1. Therein lies part of the solution. Generally, our expectations of others are what destroy us and disappoint. We work less on our own selves if we believe others are helping us carry the emotional burden…silently expecting them to “fix” our issues. We can, and should, be our own method of support and healing. Not to say we should go through this alone…we do need others. Just develop an understanding that there will always be individuals who cannot understand what we’re feeling or going through. Understand that many risk unleashing their own tightly controlled demons if they acknowledge the demons in others. But there ARE individuals out there who understand and who don’t judge-it just takes a while to spot them. Keep your eyes open for those folks–they do exist.

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