I’ve never read about anyone getting rid of their demons from PTSD, depression, or addiction. There’s always a constant reminder. There are so many shadows in our mind giving them places to hide.
You know, they say, “the brightest light casts the darkest shadows.” No matter what I do to make my life better, it just makes the demons better at hiding. I lashed out today because the futility of my recovery became apparent.
My world is a disaster. All I want is normal, but I’m not normal, so why should I have anything close to that? I can love more than most men, but I’m unlovable, so why do I think I deserve it?
I’m never going to get better. I’ve changed my thinking so many times in therapy, I don’t even know what thoughts truly belong to me anymore. The pieces of me were so fragile, as I started gathering them up again, they crumbled into smaller pieces.
Am I a family man with southern values? Am I an Airman that had to be a soldier during OIF’s most turbulent time? Am I just a veteran with a broken mind? Maybe I’m still just a Texas kid who never considered joining. I don’t know anymore. I can’t handle it anymore.
Chris Cornell was one of my idols as a teenager. When I heard he died last night, I was devastated. I couldn’t meditate or do my workout this morning because I was numb.
When I heard it was ruled a suicide, it made me realize there was nothing I could do to save myself. He had a loving wife who helped him through his dark times. He had three loving children. He had their support, and the support of millions of lifelong fans.
Still, his past came back full force, and he succumbed.
I have family that I never see. I have three small children that mean the world to me. I have an ex that used to be there for me, but hates me thoroughly. Right now, the only thing keeping me going are the memories of her support and the love for my kids.
I hope it’s enough. It’s not like I’d be missed as much as Chris Cornell.