Tough Love

I posted on a veteran group on Facebook over a year ago that asked how we control our anger. The response to my post was worth saving.

Me:

Silence curbs my anger. I used to sit on the steps outside my apartment, close my eyes, and think of being in the woods back home. Nobody to bother me, nag me, or demand shit from me.

Over the past couple of years, my family thinks I don’t need to do that anymore, and now I can’t leave a room without getting bitched at. They wonder why I’m fucking angry again! My anger cost me my last decent job 2 years ago, and the GI Bill doesn’t pay enough to live on. Since I became a stay at home dad, all my friends are gone, and without money or friends, I literally stay at home with people that hate what I’m turning into. It’s only getting worse, and the anger is starting to physically hurt.


Anonymous Responder:

It’s  a cycle bro.  The only person that can break it is you.  No need to get angry.  Just matter of factly tell them THIS is what you are going to do.  If THEY don’t like it well… not your problem.  And don’t argue about it.  If they want to argue or bitch at you they can do it to a wall.  But your resentment… I think (could be wrong) is more directed at yourself and not your family for feeling impotent… trapped… unable to do anything or fix anything or change your situation.  you have given in to the bitching… (it’s just easier to avoid it and not do anything than to deal with it).  you don’t have to fight the bitching.. the ranting…. your focus should be on fixing YOU… not them.  Not their inadequacies.   Not their dependence on  YOU being a doormat.  They have issues they need to deal with.  Yeah, YOU might be their issue.  They might not understand you, what you are going through and frankly… they cannot sympathize or empathize with you.  No one can.  Not even someone that was side-by-side with you in whatever you went through.  YOU… are an individual and your needs are just as individualistic as you are.  If you know what helps… then fucking do it.  Regardless of what your family thinks.  If they cannot cope with you coping.. then they have bigger issues than you do and I am guessing… their way of dealing with it is trying to keep you in check.  Control you.  Lord over you.  Because someday you will just wake the fuck up magically.  You won’t.  Ever.  You will deal with this the rest of your life.  Now ask yourself… you want 50 more years of this shit or do you want 50 better years?  This may suck but… fixing you may cost you your family.  You may not think the price is worth paying… because you might think you can tough it out… bear the pain and suffering.  POW training taught me one thing.  Everyone breaks.  Everyone.  Those that do not understand torture think it is an ineffective tool.  They think the movies are real and that people can withstand external and internal pain that no human was designed to endure.  It’s a lie.  YOU. WILL. BREAK.  If you do not change the circumstances of your pain… you will break.  And you may take people with you.  Or… become a statistic.  Really?  Is that what you really want/  Or… do you want to find… if not happiness at least contentment.  Peace.  Peace with yourself.  It may cost you everything you think you hold dear.  It may cost you all of your family.  Looks like all of your friends already.  Pretty soon… even your family will abandon you if you do not fix what ails you.  That what you want?  

Dude… it’s not simple.  It is easy for me to sit here on the internet thousands or hundreds of miles away and give advice…. it’s free…. it cost me nothing.  It is for you to decide the worth of my words.  The worth of your being.  If you are breathing… you have value.  You may not see it.  That is not important.  Your value comes in places you never know.  From people you never meet.  

Give you for instance:

See… your value… to me is this:  Your situation reminds me of mine.  I need reminding.  It keeps me in reality.  My advice is given not just to you… but as a reminder to me.  To be true to myself.  To do that… I sometimes see people like you… who are looking for an answer.  I don’t have any.  I have a word or two of encouragement.  A word or two of.. been there.  Don’t know you.  Don’t know what you are feeling/thinking… but… I’ve been in your situation.  It is not hopeless… IF… you are willing to pay the price.  The price… is standing up and saying enough is enough.  It is time to fix me.  Because honestly bro… it’s like love…. you cannot truly love someone if you do not love yourself.  You cheat them and you. And it is half assed.  Focus on you is focusing on them.  Fixing you… is helping them as much as it is helping you.  Hell man… you just might be a toxic mother fucker who needs an entire life change.  Who knows.  Not I.  And the only person that will ever know the truth of that is you… but you won’t know it unless you seek it out.  Be damned with everyone else.  

Know that saying… the ones moms always pop off with and have no fucking clue what they are talking about…  The ones where they say they would starve for their kids… bullshit.  Yeah, they might miss a meal or two… maybe even three or four… but push comes to shove… if they have any god damned sense… they would realize that if they starve themselves to the point of not being able to care for themselves… no one will be there to care for their kid.  You cannot… it is not possible… to not nourish yourself.  

If… sitting on your stoop… contemplating… focusing… on whatever, helps… then mother fucker… do it.  If they bitch about it… look em’ dead in the eye and ask them in all honesty if they really want you to be dead.  Because that is what they are asking for.  Selfish?  You bet your ass it is.  And that is exactly what you need.  Some fucking selfish behavior.  No one else is going to do it.  You have to.  People will help… once you start to help yourself.  Nothing is hopeless.  Nothing.  Keep talking… keep posting… help yourself.  If you don’t know what to do… fucking ask.  People here will try to help.  Now… go fuck yourself!  Cheers!

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